Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sex Rehab..

I don't normally blog. I don't blog because I think it's a tad too narcissistic to spend hours writing about myself and my life. I mean, who the fuck am I? Why should you care? Who would read?
And then I care. The people out there who's lives I, and and 6 others, have knowingly (or in my case, mostly unknowingly) touched. I still feel unworthy, I guess that's the problem.

Many months ago, I was asked to partake in a show titled "Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew". The title alone scared me. Who the hell wants to be labeled a "sex addict"? I didn't even know what it meant. I knew that I had problems being truly intimate with people. I knew that I used sex and sexuality as a means of escape. I know that I single-handedly hurt many, if not all, of my ex'es. I knew that my acting out was unhealthy and that I had self sabotaged any and every relationship I'd ever had. What I didn't know was why.

Now, many of you have said "oh, they get paid" or "it's a career move". Let me tell you something, and I only speak for myself, but there was no part of me that thought admitting my faults on television could ever be a "career move".However, the fact the we were getting a paycheck was absolutely an incentive. And if I am being honest (which I do try to be consistently now), I did think I could skate right by and escape unscathed. When I say unscathed, what I mean is..I never expected to get better. I knew that I wanted to, I just didn't know I was capable.

Upon entering rehab, I met the 6 people I would be living with for nearly a month. Upon first impression, I knew there was at least one girl there I could connect with.I was completely disinterested in the guys, one of which has been a friend of mine for many years. But mostly, I just missed my husband.

During that month, I felt every single emotion that I had never allowed myself to feel. Sometimes I was helpless. Sometimes I was depressed. Sometimes I was scared. Sometimes I was vulnerable.Sometimes I was drama. Sometimes I was jealous. But the one thing that remained consistent was that I was WILLING.
Willing, for the first time, to confront myself and the demons and the nightmares and my parents addictions.
And yes, addictions is plural.

So much more happened than you guys get to see. I'd like to say overall that I am proud of the show. That I am proud of each of the people on it. That I think they did a good job and that they did us (and our stories) justice...But I would be lying.
I think a lot of good, hard work and honest stories are missing. I think the things that you guys could relate to and the things that could have helped people out there are gone, never to be seen. And I know that any good television needs its fair share of drama, but I promise you - It wasn't always like that and we didn't treat it as such. We worked our asses off. We grew together, and in some instances, apart. But we did grow.

You see, when you live with any group of people in that sort of setting like this for any period of time,you tend to bond very quickly and very intensely.You tend to react and distract.You tend to fall apart sometimes and expect others to life you back up.

I personally think I expected too much from the people I met there but my problem is that I always expect too much from other people. I wanted certain people there to be more authentic in the journey, I wanted others to be less dramatic, I expected others to not be two-faced, I wanted some to see themselves as I saw them. But most of all, I wanted them to love me. because, at the end of the day, that's all I've ever wanted from people.
It's the classic scenario I have created time after time.
Love me love me love me so I can chase you away.

Today I am sad, because the people I met and lived that journey with aren't at all what I believed them to be at that time. The thing is, I'm probably not what they remember either.

The person I initially connected to the most ended up being the least authentic. Every boring word a mockery when they are still begging for spare change and collecting dirty money all the while screaming from the rooftops that they'd never..

Some still think the world revolves around them, some are consumed by celebrity and the idea that they somehow became one...

and one person even had the audacity to say that I have destroyed my husbands career. Anyone who knows me knows that I work tirelessly, exhaustively, to the bone, to my detriment - for my husband. The reason my husband has a career after what his "friends" and other bands have done to him is because of my hard work, and inability to take "no" for an answer. This one left a bit of a scar.

The person I initially looked up to and was inspired by, the person I most respected- I have come to realize does not respect me.It's hard to realize that a person is not what you fantasized them to be and to know the awful things they say about others while smiling are the same things they say about you. I think back to a time where I nearly missed a dinner party and was met with rage, right up to today and the countless invites I've extended and then graciously smiled as they backed out leaving me hanging last minute,with the hard earned money I spent on dinner ending up in the trash. Do I still long for that connection? yes. But do I know why? No. I'm learning that I cant make people be what I wish they were.

One of the boys, I have not seen since the show, nor do I care to. That's all I'll say on that.

Another, I see and hear from infrequently but I know they'll always be in my life in some capacity..This person has been my favorite to watch on the show. To really experience this person, and to watch the journey. Man, there's a reason that I've always liked you.

Several of the girls, I see in passing, or at meetings. I would like to know them better but they are a bit isolated.I have made it clear that I am always available and accessible to them. I think we are all just trying to reconnect and make our way in the "real world". I don't know whether that includes each other or not. But I sincerely hope it does.

Toward the end of the show, one of the girls and I basically stopped talking. She was, in my opinion, one of the classiest women on the show. A little quiet, not really involved.. and to my surprise, we went out with the other night. We each walked the red-carpet at a Snoop Dogg/ Travis Barker party and we laughed and hung out like no time has passed. Like we'd never missed a beat. I missed out on a lot of time with her but I'm gonna make up for it now.

The person I initially like the least ended up being the one who needed me (or did I need her) most? She taught me things about myself, made me look at my own faults and behaviours and vice versa. I believe we both learned a lot from and about each other. And oddly enough, she's the one who calls, contacts and keeps in touch the most these days.

My point is that none of it was what I expected but I don't see it through rose-colored glasses anymore. I see it, and them, and me, for who and what we are. I did change. My relationships and my marriage changed. My coping mechanisms changed. My heart changed.
I am eternally grateful to Jill and to Drew for that. I am eternally grateful to John Irwin and Vh1 for taking a chance on me. I honestly would not change a thing about the experience.
After all, it brought you all to me
and me to you.

Marylin Monroe once said ""I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else.""

That's how I feel. You all make me belong. I thank you for that. I thank you for my voice and helping me find it. I thank you for reading.

I read Duncan's blog earlier ( and it made me a little sad because, while I understood the sentiment he was trying to convey, it made me realize that this person I considered to be one of my closest friends several months ago, doesn't actually know anything about me today.

I am not in a position where I have to do anything I don't want to "for cash". Granted, I am by no means rich- my husband does work his ass off, as do I- but I do what I love for a living. I paint, I have a book deal, I created a television show, I recorded a song that's actually selling very well, I do animal rescue day in and day out. I am a wife, I am a tour manager. I juggle more things in one day than most people.
But it's what I love and I wouldn't have it any other way.

He also said he believes I'm "moments away from being the woman that I want to" which couldn't be further from the truth.
I am exactly who and where I want to be today.


  1. Well written, KJ

    Love you Lisa, Ashley and Gobbles...

  2. You are, always have been, and always will be one of the most beautiful women in my life.. inside and out.

    I cannot wait for the world to read your memoirs.

    I love you Kendra Jade!


  3. Most importantly is you are true to you - to others one is a mirror; a mirror for a lesson within. Those that point the finger are those who must learn through the action & honesty from another their own lessons in life. Hugs for courage (。→‿←。)

  4. Been following you on Twitter (@ifelicious, @KicksLikeAGirl) and am really inspired by your story, your journey, and now your blog! You sound saddened by the loss of connectedness with many from the show. It probably is a hard reality to take in after you all did so much work. Take care of you, and everything else will fall into place. Success is a lonely road sometimes, but you have a loving husband who seems to continue to support you in a loving way no matter what. As long as you're writing, I'll be reading.

  5. good blog, i hope you keep at sharing

  6. {{{Kendra}}} I've seen you out on tour with Lukas... driving for 15-16 hours or more at a time through Canada in the WINTERTIME. Doing promo, management duties, setting shows up, tearing them down after a set and more. I've seen you work past the point of sheer exhaustion and keep right on going. I know the tireless and post-midnight hours you put in supporting Lukas, your own career, friends & maintaining the "Rossi Zoo" of umpteen fuzzy kids and foster fuzzies. I still hope to receive an invitation to your & Lukas' 50th wedding anniversary--if I'm still here & hooting by then ^^--because you two are the sweetest pair of soulmates I've seen in a very long time. :-) {{{Kendra & Lukas}}} I know the hard work and deep commitment you're infusing all aspects of your life and career with will return to you with magnified and amplified amounts of the energy, passion and love you're put into them. :-) I'm not the world's wealthiest Owl ^^ in material terms... but I will support, encourage and promote you and Lukas in whatever projects and endeavors you take on. You're beautiful, you deserve all good things in your life and you have an ingenious husband who absolutely adores you. Remember that and enjoy the milestones and achievements along your path, along with the mountain of hard work. {{{Kendra}}} xoxoxo

  7. Dear Kendra,
    From the moment we met I saw the real you. The sweet girl hiding behind the castle walls. It was the smile in your eyes that told me who you were out of the press, off the scene.

    I'm glad we met at the home of our mutual friends, where the atmosphere was relaxed and you seemed very comfortable. When we left the sanctuary and headed out into the rock-n-roll world I saw the change in you. Shields went up, and I understood why. everybody wanted a piece of Lukas, every other person was calling your name. It was insane. I've only witnessed a few nights of your public life and it is crazy. Anyone would be overwhelmed by that alone.

    When we add the rest of the ugliness you've been through, it is remarkable that you survived. I KNOW how much WORK you do for Lukas. I know how creatively gifted you are. I am delighted that you are painting, writing, & recording. You've done your time ~ now it's time to move forward in a life filled with positivity.

    I am proud of you and I believe in you. I hope you can always see the person I met: that sweet gal with eyes that smile.

    Much love and respect,

  8. I think your honesty is beautiful. It's hard to put yourself out there exposed and raw for people to judge. But for every person that is pointing a finger, there are ten more that will embrace you. Thanks for being real.

  9. Kendra, this is Jae, the counselor who did the "tee shirt" workshop with all of you. I just read your blog, and want to tell you how amazing you are. I saw you on a very hard day, and felt horrible when the cameras chased after you when you needed to take a break. No one actually saw the painful and hard work you did under great emotional duress. I was so proud of you that day, and even more so now that time has gone by, and you sound so strong. Your growth has been fantastic, and I am so happy that it sounds as if you are still working on yourself. You have inspired others to seek help they may never have acknowledged they needed prior to the show. It had to be very painful to share your most painful moments in front of a camera, knowing people would be watching. I just want to know you touched my heart, and I am thinking about you.


  10. Thank you for your blog Kendra. I really wish the show didn't have to end and that we actually only saw a snippet of the therapeutic work. I commend you for taking on such a task of showing the world your most private moments and vulnerability. I think you are wonderful.

    I think I know who you are referring to. The person who turned out not to be who you thought they were. I am sad, that is a wounding experience and hope it can heal.

    Either way, as long as you are happy and open to living well and loving others that is what is important. Though I don't know you, I have a love for you (not in a creepy way :))

  11. What I admired about you most when watching the show is that you always seemed 100% authentic in every emotion(whether good or bad) that we saw from you.

    You seem like a very passionate woman who doesn't take friendship or promises made between people lightly in this world filled with the superficial. I really respect that.

    Continue to hold your head up high and know that you have helped so many by your willingness to be so raw and candid and that a loving place burns in the hearts of strangers for you that you don't even understand the magnitude of how you touched their lives.


    Good luck with everything that you want to see happen in this life, Kendra

  12. Kendra you are amazing and I know what it's like to be in a treatment center for 6mos a halfway house for 5mos and a three quaterways house for 5mos. We only did get a glimpse of what all of you experienced. I guess the people you meet in rehab grow apart sometimes and then there are people who are friends for life. Which has been the case for me. You go back to the real world and it's scarey but what you have now that you didn't before is life long coping skills. I wish that I was as dynamic as you are and as passionate about life too. You have made me smile today when I've had a week with not to much to smile about. You have made a great impact on me and a big difference in my life. Your story counts and I'm glad your blog & your involvement in sex rehab as helped you as much as it has helped me. Take care of yourself and I know you'll keep working your ass off. Sincerely, Sherl from Santa Fe

  13. Woman, I love your honesty & your recovery. Recovering the you, you are meant to be. Whole. You go girl!!!!!

  14. Beautiful.
    You are beautiful and perfect wherever you are in the process.
    Thank you so much for sharing you powerful and inspiring experience.

  15. sigh. first of all... anyone who says you have had a negative affect on lukas' career is looney tunes. just looney tunes.

    second... since the first time i met you... whatever time you wanna pick... through LJ, through Leah, at Saddle Ranch whatever... it was clear to me how special you are. You are bright, beautiful, funny and so kind-hearted.

    It's the worst thing in the world to be misunderstood, I know that all too well.

    I see (and want) nothing but wonderful things for you KJ and I'm proud to know you in ANY capacity.

  16. Well said Kendra you've come along way stay true to yourself. I respect the ability to be so grounded in your beleif's and the honesty with which you looked at the show and yourself. I too wish that as viewers we would have seen more of the truth rather than what received good reviews.

  17. I just finished watching the graduation on the show - you inspire me. I hope you and Lukas (fellow Canuck) have a long and beautiful marriage and I hope you continue the blog - I will be checking in with you ~~ sending you great vibes from the North ((HUGS))

  18. your are really an inspiration, although not perfect, but who is?... all you have to know is YOU are the one who is trying and thats all you can do. Be strong, be inspirering, be Yourself. We love you for coming foward with your addictions, because it does help those of us who feel the same. Anyways kendra, I hope for the best in your life and MINE and anyone else that admires your journey. - god bless love.