That December

Empty spaces become long winding hallways
and coffee cups and carnival mirrors
but i am an architect
I play with knives and I carve out windows and veins
I watch stars fall mercilessly to the ground
Colliding and imploding , half lit and on fire
as we give praise to the rise and fall of a dead man.

Who would give their life for this?
What kind of man could end this suffering?
I am ambivalent;
Jesus came but someone here should have died
that December.

I know you'll have your way with me again
because the void creeps in with the gentle eyes of a child
loudly whispering and sweetly beckoning : I love you I love you
then he holds me nervously as if I would break

But I am christ-like
on black glitter pavement in Hollywood wastelands
yes I am running again
endlessly running , but i don't know from whom.
and I am tired

My brain aches long-winded thoughts
and they tell me I am still the junkie baby
naked in the crib , arms aching blue
I cant seem to form the words..

An amputee of faith hidden in metaphors and phrases
whimsical nonsense I know but I cant seem to stop
who even knows what evil i speak with this sugar tongue?
I hide it from myself!

and the silence hurts me sometimes
more than the noise and more than your hands
scratching hard with sharpened fingers-
He wraps me tightly in his arms; and that IS a promise, he says but
I am choking on all the regret that is still piled up the bedroom floor.

You never even cared.
You walk away nonchalantly and i lie numb in my mourning robe
speaking in tongues and singing choruses
all the words we forgot to write and the stories we can never tell
they say Loss is supposed to be some kind of saviour but

Alas, we are no bigger than we were yesterday
and still I feel so small..
We are still distorting the facts you know
still breaking in sincerity
still floating desperately in a pool of red

yet we smile; we smile
and you know what it is?
i love you but you break me in half

and i see you more clearly than they do
the clever lines expanding on your face
the oleander on your bottom lip
and the bruises of unconditional devotion

Time takes its toll and its twists and unfolds
contorts its smile to an evil grin
as if to say I told you so..

I know this crowd dear and they are dangerous.
They love you as I once did
they part their lips and exhale
hands on their hearts

wave goodbye ; wave goodbye now
Take a bow in slow motion ,
hands waving politely as if to say " I'll be back"
but you wont
I'll be alright